This was one of the craziest news weeks I can remember. And it came at us like grandpa doing wind sprints in the back yard at midnight.

Just like Jordan Peele spent years writing Get Out, the Republicans had 7 years to come up with a healthcare alternative to the Affordable Care Act (aka “Obamacare” – or, as it’s known in my uncle’s house – “Thanks a lot, Obama”). Let’s see how that went for them…

Paul Ryan unveiled the bill on March 6th, 2017 with the hopes that Republicans could get it through Congress quickly and then onto Trump’s desk for one of his patented, high-profile, bill signings.

Haha. Obviously, that’s a fake bill. But, you probably already knew that, because everybody knows that Trump has barely signed anything. Oh, except for that one major trade deal.

Hahahaha! That one’s fake too! *wipes away tears of laughter* *sighs* It’s funny because he hasn’t accomplished anything.

Anyhoo… the Republicans knew that Democrats wouldn’t go along with AHCA (American Health Care Act), but that was okay. The Republicans hold a majority in both the House and the Senate, so they didn’t need Democrats to pass it. Lucky them! Let me just gaze outside at the Hollywood sign while I contemplate what a slam dunk this bill is…

*gasp*

As soon as the bill came out people were saying it was wack. And it only got worse when the Congressional Budget Office did their review and deemed it to be pretty fiscally crappy overall. It barely reduced the deficit and would have caused an estimated 24 million people to lose their insurance coverage by 2026. The Congressional Budget Office was just doing their job and looking at the numbers, but Republicans accused them of being partisan and favoring the Democrats. They were all like…

To make matters worse, around the middle of the week, it started to seem like Trump didn’t even know what was in the bill, he just wanted to get it done. This became pretty clear whenever he tried to sustain a dialogue about ACHA that lasted for more than 45 seconds. Saying sentences that had reporters like…

Regardless of its almost immediate unpopularity, Paul Ryan still tried to pass his “Fuck You, Pay Me” version of healthcare that had less to do with health and care and more to do with a tax break for the top 5% (estimated at somewhere around $300 billion). The bill was so bad that even some moderate Republicans and their poorer constituents were like…

bröther may i have some öats https://t.co/je2HIEaPpB—
marko 🥀🥃 (@markyannna) October 11, 2016

Meanwhile, the Freedom Caucus Republicans (the artist formerly known as “The Tea Party”) felt like the ACHA wasn’t harsh enough. They wanted to take away the bill’s coverage of even the most basic stuff. They were determined to sprinkle some extra salt in the wounds of sick people by getting rid of coverage for doctor’s visits, prescription drugs, emergency room visits, mental health care, and more. The Freedom Caucus was in Paul Ryan’s office all like…

Toward the end of the week, it was becoming clear that the bill lacked enough support. Not only were Democrats unanimously opposed, but estimates said so were 30-40 Republicans in both factions who were going to vote no for different ideological reasons.

In the final hours leading up to the vote on Friday – after all the big talk – the Republicans pulled the bill. It was one of the most shocking defeats in recent history. Until you realized that another shocking defeat is the reason this whole thing was happening in the first place.

I still can’t believe the Falcons lost.