RONALDO BUST(ed)

I claim to be no expert of the futbol. (Or anything for that matter.) So, it’s no surprise that my most meaningful relationship to legendary soccer star Ronaldo is – if I’m being totally honest – the way I feel about his handsomeness.

I mean, I’ve seen him play and stuff. I remember pretty vividly when he pulled a tie out of his beautiful butt with that equally beautiful cross against the U.S. in the 2014 World Cup. I’ve seen enough to know he’s awesome. But, I’ve also seen enough to know he’s even more awesome looking.

Seriously, Ronaldo is so good-looking that he’s kind of weird looking. And maybe that’s what the creator of this “bust” was trying to capture. The fact that, like, Ronaldo is so handsome that when he’s walking around he just seems like a ridiculous person. It’s the reason why every time I see him, I immediately think of that scene in Neighbors when Seth Rogen notices Zac Efron for the first time and is like, “He looks like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory.”

Only, in Ronaldo’s case, it’s like the guy who built Efron got together with whoever built Messi, Ronaldinho, or Zidane to make something even more powerful. And this probably why he’s the most famous soccer player on the planet. The dude has 51 million(!) Twitter followers. And for a guy who basically only uses social media to post selfies, one of the funnier, unintended consequences of this statue has been how it’s become a de facto response for any post where Ronaldo is feeling himself:

Or:

I fully condone this kind of trolling. Fully!

And it began even stronger – sports Twitter had a fucking field day with the bust from the minute it was unveiled at the Madeira airport:

These were all funny – and dare I say – important connections being made. But, for me – I only saw one thing. A mirror. While the bust just sat there during its unveiling, grinning like an idiot next to one of the most beautiful men alive – I only saw myself. The bust was me. I am the bust. The bust is all of us. A permanent representation of “the ugly friend” status we all feel in Ronaldo’s glorious presence.

There couldn’t be a more fitting way to remember him.

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