Yesterday, in Timothy Richard Tebow’s first professional baseball at-bat (Minor League Class A, to be exact), he hit a freaking home run. That’s right, little Timmy Dicky Tebow from the Philippines did it again! His home run barely cleared a 378-foot fence and bounced back into the left-center field. It was a feat so incredible, it could only be achieved by the pure of heart.
And, you can tell that Tim’s still a virgin, because he tries to stop at second base. (I’m sorry.)
Now, please also consider, that he hit this hallowed homer off of a guy who was the #666th pick in the 2015 MLB draft. Wow. That’s powerful stuff. And, for me, it’s more than enough evidence to confirm that what you just witnessed is real-life footage of Tim Tebow’s Second Miracle.
Here, below, please see even more in-depth footage of Tim’s celestial achievement. This video is key, because it shares the entire 2:22 of his at-bat. You get to hear the pandering country music he’s chosen for his plate appearances, and, at the 0:43 second mark, you can hear one of his drunken followers scream, “Yeeeeaaaaah! Tebow, baby!”
It’s clear from the way the fans gasp in amazement from his foul ball, that Timothy has created a devout and devoted following. And who can blame them when he’s keeps performing miracles like these? I know I can’t – because I’m one of them. And it’s impossible to deny that what I just saw was a baseball being carried out of the park on angel’s wings.
Even more importantly, this marks the second time he’s performed such a divine act, moving him one miracle away from sainthood (this, according to the rules of 1997 film The Saint, starring Val Kilmer).
So, what’s the first you ask? Have you already forgotten about the Mile High Miracle? It’s possible you have, because I’m not speaking of the game you might actually be thinking about, you heathen scum. I’m talking about the real Mile High Miracle.
Remember? The one where Tim Tebow – despite going 10/21 in passing attempts – managed to complete a 15-yard slant route in overtime? And despite the fact that Demaryius Thomas ran the ball for like 65 more yards and actually scored the touchdown – Tim Tebow received all the credit for winning anyway? Yes, that Mile High Miracle.
This game is actually referred to as “The 3:16 Game” because Tebow threw for 316 yards during the performance. That’s a real thing. And if you’re still doubting (the future) St. Tebow’s divine powers, let me say this: Just as Tebow vanquished evil by going yard off of the 666th pick during his first professional at-bat – he also dispatched a force of pure sin in this Denver game from 2012. It was there that Tim ended the playoff run of the sexual assault artist formerly known as Ben Roethlisberger for good (that year).
So, yes – what happened in Denver that day was truly a miracle. After all, not only did he cover a -9 point spread, he actually won the freaking game. And winning any football game is miraculous when you throw like this…
Oh and this…
Here’s hoping that the third miracle from St. Timothy of the Forgotten Spiral comes soon. I’m ready to make this thing official.
My guess though? It’ll be in 2020. I say he wins a gold in swimming by running across the pool.