Look, these playoffs… they’ve sucked basketballs. They’ve been a level of un-fun hovering somewhere between getting a parking ticket and being forced to live in a park. And, it’s been that way for the following reasons:

  1. The Cavs are really, really good.
  2. The Warriors are even better.

That’s it. Those are all the reasons.

Both of these teams are two of the best that I’ve ever seen. And, their obscene talent in comparison to the rest of the league has turned the playoffs into a joke. What we thought would happen in June of last year (when Durant signed) has come to fruition in June of this year – and not a single thing has happened along the way to make it more interesting.

When it comes to the 2016-17 Cavaliers – I genuinely believe that this is the best team LeBron has ever had. And, not only are these LeBron’s best teammates ever – but he’s also giving his best post-season performance of all-time. Any other year that would be more than enough to win the title. Except this isn’t any other year. This year, there’s a Warriors team that is so talented they’ve basically relegated the Cavs to the role of the Washington Generals. The Cavs are just there to fumble around and fall down and shit while they get humiliated by the Globetrotters.

Look for Kyle Korver to get pantsed during Game 3.

(NOTE: I would literally pay the hundreds of dollars left in my bank account to watch LeBron’s 2012 Heat team play this current Cavs roster. It’d be awesome because no matter what happened, LeBron haters would still say he choked. “Jordan would have never lost to himself in a hypothetical series that took place in an alternate dimension. Never).

So, yes, I know that the Cavs still technically have a chance in this series, and that last year they were also down 2-0, but this is different. It’s different, because while last year’s Warriors had the best NBA record ever – the 2016-17 Warriors are the best NBA team of all-time. And, nothing that happens in this series will convince me otherwise. It comes down to basic math. It’s as simple 2 + 2 = 4. Except, in this case, 2 + 2 = 8000 championships.

The first “2” in that equation? Two perennial all-stars. Usually teams that have two of those are really good. Take, the Clippers for example – they’re really good! Maybe you want to slap both of their perennial all-stars in the mouth, but they’re still really good. If the Clippers were the Warriors, Chris Paul and Blake Griffin would be their third and fourth best guys. And, if that sounds crazy, it should. Crazy is the only word to describe the Warriors having Klay and Draymond as their third and fourth options. Those two guys are good enough to get a team to 50 wins by themselves. Now, all they have to be for the Warriors are role players on acid. And, do you know why?


Yeah, that’s the other “2” in the equation. Two MVPs (in their primes – it bears repeating), which alone would be considered an embarrassment of riches. I mean, just take a moment to consider the last NBA team that could make a similar claim – the 2000-2002 Lakers led by Kobe and Shaq. Kobe hadn’t even entered his prime or won an MVP yet and that team absolutely destroyed the league.

Now with the 2016-17 Warriors, you’re talking about the guy who won back-to-back MVPs (Steph Curry) being joined by the guy who won the MVP before him (Kevin Durant) – and that’s just ludicrous. It’s boring, it’s unfair, it’s cheating, it’s uncompetitive, it’s not fun, make it stahp.

Me watching every Warriors game.

So, here’s what needs to happen… I’m going to need the MVP before Durant (LeBron James) to be joined by this year’s MVP (Russell Westbrook). If the NBA is going to be ridiculous then I want it to be extremely ridiculous. So, ridiculous that it actually becomes competitive again. I want it to become like the WWE – where we just decide which match-ups would be the most fun and go from there. Because, what would be more fun than Russell Westbrook joining LeBron to battle the man who betrayed him most? His own father. Jk – it’s Kevin Durant. He would battle KD. And, the answer is nothing would be more fun than that.

Now, before you start saying that people would freak out – let me just ask you one question – would they though? I’m being totally serious. Would anyone really care if Russ was wearing a Cavs jersey and he just appeared in the starting lineup tonight? I really don’t think anyone would care. Outside of pissed off Warriors fans and the heartbroken residents of Oklahoma City, I think the majority of NBA fans would find it just about as fair as what KD did over the summer.

Because, seriously, I can’t stress this enough – KD went to the Warriors. How would Russ being on the Cavs be any more unfair than the 2nd best player in the league joining a team that won 73 games?! The answer to that question is it would not be any more unfair so shut up and give Russell Westbrook a Cavs jersey. I want to see every relevant MVP of the last the 9 years playing each other in a basketball game to the death. I want to see the hate come together. When I turn on ABC tonight and they do a live look into the Cavs locker room – I want to see this:

Or maybe this:

I want to see a bunch of badass dudes combining their powers to form something awesome. We need a “Megazord” in Cleveland. A bunch of robot tigers turning themselves into to ams and legs and shit. Can we get these guys a 50-ft sword? It’s the only thing that will make this series more competitive.

Because – here’s the craziest part – even if Cleveland added Russell Westbrook – I still don’t think the Cavs would win! That’s how ridiculous this Warriors team is! And, while it might be fun to see what happens this year – when it’s the year 2021 and the Warriors are sweeping their way to a 5th straight title as you watch from your VR bubble cube – it will be pretty fucking lame. It’ll be the year we give the Warriors their own Harlem Globetrotters uniforms, and we let Draymond start throwing buckets of confetti into the crowd for laughs, and maybe Steph starts doing that trick where he shoots a free throw but the ball is really on a string. If we want to avoid that year in the future, we have to make a choice in the present – it’s either Harlem Globetrotter music or “go, go Power Rangers!”

And, I always liked watching the Power Rangers.


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